I had a total relapse this past weekend. Thursday night I decided to take the night off... I slept during the day which really means I had no reason to take the night off. Instead of going to work like a normal human being I met up with a friend and we went to the bar. He didn't have money and I was living rich as it was pay day so I got him and I a couple of drinks. It was a general need for socialization outside of work that ultimately brought me out Thursday night. After dropping him off... I did what was probably the stupidest idea of the weekend... Buying a pack of cigarettes. After being off them for nearly 13 days I relapsed and ended up smoking all weekend. I think at one point this weekend I smoked nearly three packs in one day. Yesterday I woke up with all intentions of quitting as I had Ripped up the remaining cigarettes that were left over from the pack on Saturday but within a an hour of waking up sunday I ended up buying another pack. The one I bought last night lasted me most of the day today....
Currently I am on a nicotine patch. When my pack ran out this afternoon, I stated "I should put on a nicotine patch" and my roommate with all sincerity stated that he supported my decision. I put in for some vacation time during early October. I think having a week out of work and a little "stay cation" will be good for me. So far this year I haven't taken more than 1 or 2 days off at a time.
With the relapse came a whole host of guilt. I feel like I'm not strong enough right now to actually quit smoking but I am going to power through anyways. The whole thing is a chain reaction which typically starts on the Thursday morning I get paid and ends up riding out until I have work Monday night. This is the 3rd or 4th time this has happened now. I consider today day zero as I had cigarettes today and haven't made 24 hours on the patch. I gained a bunch of weight over the last few days. Mainly due to poor diet choices over the last four days. It sucks, because at one point last week I was at 201lbs which I was proud of... and when weighing myself last night I was around 209. I don't exactly know how I gained 8 pounds in 4 days but I would say the majority of the weight was due to the empty calories from binge drinking. Today I feel bloated... and sad.
I went down to my grandmothers grave today and wrote her a letter asking her to please as God to give me a little assistance. It seems like I have the devil wrapped up inside me and truth be told it scares the shit out of me. That my mood could go from even tempered to manic in just an instance is both the result of the withdrawal effects from the booze and smokes... as well as the overwhelming guilt that I feel for having blown 13 days of nicotine free, gambling free, and drinking free life.
I spent some time today thinking about the chain of events and how the sorta compound on each other from one moment to the next over the course of a pay day weekend and I am hoping that I can attack the problem from a different angle the next time I get paid. Truth be told is if I get out of work and quite literally just go home and sleep on a Thursday then I would be in a better position for when I wake up not to give into temptation and repeat the same mistake. The problem I have is that for now at least, Friday's are my therapy appointment and I have to be up after work on those days in order to not fall asleep during the appointment.
I know what I gotta do... I just gotta do it... and truth is... I know why... and that's how I have to present this "change." Starting with why will be a much better reason to go for the gold rather than just saying what I wanna do without a clear sense of why I wanna do it
I am a young working professional with a lot of life experience and several strong friendships. I care about my family and friends very much and want to see the best for them. I feel that I am a hard worker and spend a lot of my time thinking about problems in order to help people. I am passionate about my story and want to see myself succeed and achieve my goals. What I plan to do is break the cycle of sober / relapse by developing new habits that will ultimately lead to better satisfaction and train my brain to do new and interesting things. The goal is it remain clean and sober for a period of no less than five years to allow my mind to heal from the damage placed upon it as a cigarette smoker and beer drinker. Then and only then will I know whether or not cigarettes and alcohol truly led me to this way of thinking and the guilt and shame that I feel on a nearly daily basis.
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