365 days of change....

Usually I outline these things... with a 5 or 10 point plan detailing down to the last penny or minute exactly what I am going to do and ultimately do none of them. It's a bit disheartening so I think im going to attempt a different approach this time. 365 days of changes is a goal.... The goal is simply that over the next 365 days that I evolve a bit each day. That at the end of the day I am feeling good about my actions and decisions over the course of the day... and that each month I can say that I accomplished something... that I changed something in my life.... that as a result of my actions me, my family, and my friends are all going to be better off for my actions. This coming year.... my 33 year is not the martyr's age.... That is the worst way I could look at it. 33 is more so an age of maturity... an age when the little things no longer have an effect... and when the paranoia and delusions lose their hold over my mind. Baby steps.... that's all it takes.

The Last Day Zero.

If there is anything to say about myself... It's that I don't give up without a fight. Today is my last Day Zero if i have anything to say about it. At this time i am currently a week into no Alcohol, and I just finished my pack of smokes. I plan on going forward from today with no further temptation to smoke or drink. I'll write more when i get to day ten.

Back at Day 0

I had a total relapse this past weekend. Thursday night I decided to take the night off... I slept during the day which really means I had no reason to take the night off. Instead of going to work like a normal human being I met up with a friend and we went to the bar. He didn't have money and I was living rich as it was pay day so I got him and I a couple of drinks. It was a general need for socialization outside of work that ultimately brought me out Thursday night. After dropping him off... I did what was probably the stupidest idea of the weekend... Buying a pack of cigarettes. After being off them for nearly 13 days I relapsed and ended up smoking all weekend. I think at one point this weekend I smoked nearly three packs in one day. Yesterday I woke up with all intentions of quitting as I had Ripped up the remaining cigarettes that were left over from the pack on Saturday but within a an hour of waking up sunday I ended up buying another pack. The one I bought last night lasted me most of the day today....

Currently I am on a nicotine patch. When my pack ran out this afternoon, I stated "I should put on a nicotine patch" and my roommate with all sincerity stated that he supported my decision. I put in for some vacation time during early October. I think having a week out of work and a little "stay cation" will be good for me. So far this year I haven't taken more than 1 or 2 days off at a time.

With the relapse came a whole host of guilt. I feel like I'm not strong enough right now to actually quit smoking but I am going to power through anyways. The whole thing is a chain reaction which typically starts on the Thursday morning I get paid and ends up riding out until I have work Monday night. This is the 3rd or 4th time this has happened now. I consider today day zero as I had cigarettes today and haven't made 24 hours on the patch. I gained a bunch of weight over the last few days. Mainly due to poor diet choices over the last four days. It sucks, because at one point last week I was at 201lbs which I was proud of... and when weighing myself last night I was around 209. I don't exactly know how I gained 8 pounds in 4 days but I would say the majority of the weight was due to the empty calories from binge drinking. Today I feel bloated... and sad.

I went down to my grandmothers grave today and wrote her a letter asking her to please as God to give me a little assistance. It seems like I have the devil wrapped up inside me and truth be told it scares the shit out of me. That my mood could go from even tempered to manic in just an instance is both the result of the withdrawal effects from the booze and smokes... as well as the overwhelming guilt that I feel for having blown 13 days of nicotine free, gambling free, and drinking free life.

I spent some time today thinking about the chain of events and how the sorta compound on each other from one moment to the next over the course of a pay day weekend and I am hoping that I can attack the problem from a different angle the next time I get paid. Truth be told is if I get out of work and quite literally just go home and sleep on a Thursday then I would be in a better position for when I wake up not to give into temptation and repeat the same mistake. The problem I have is that for now at least, Friday's are my therapy appointment and I have to be up after work on those days in order to not fall asleep during the appointment.

I know what I gotta do... I just gotta do it... and truth is... I know why... and that's how I have to present this "change." Starting with why will be a much better reason to go for the gold rather than just saying what I wanna do without a clear sense of why I wanna do it

I am a young working professional with a lot of life experience and several strong friendships. I care about my family and friends very much and want to see the best for them. I feel that I am a hard worker and spend a lot of my time thinking about problems in order to help people. I am passionate about my story and want to see myself succeed and achieve my goals. What I plan to do is break the cycle of sober / relapse by developing new habits that will ultimately lead to better satisfaction and train my brain to do new and interesting things. The goal is it remain clean and sober for a period of no less than five years to allow my mind to heal from the damage placed upon it as a cigarette smoker and beer drinker. Then and only then will I know whether or not cigarettes and alcohol truly led me to this way of thinking and the guilt and shame that I feel on a nearly daily basis.

Day 11 - Broke the quit threshold

I'm not the same old story. Today marks the longest I've gone without a pack of cigarette in nearly ten years. It's nervous optimism at it's best. At it's worst it's a sign that my willpower is starting to falter again and I need to do something to improve it... fast. I was down at my parents today because I wanted to cut my hair... I walked in, said hi to my dad, and immediately focused on his cigarette. Brushed it off quick but the temptation was still there to grab one.

So... I cut my hair and left before the smell either dragged me in or made me sad. It is what it is. I just find it funny that Rhode Island is being floated on the backs of the smokers and gamblers. Because... I'm a recovering gambling addict and I am working on become an ex-smoker. I must have done wonders for the damn economy over the years.

When I got out of work I came home, cleaned up some more stuff.... I'm down to two bins in the basement, along with my tiny Christmas tree, and riding gear. Other than that I have my gym equipment.... everything else is in my room currently. So... when I get out of here next may I really only have 1 room worth of stuff that I have to worry about moving. I'm not sure where i'm gonna go yet. Part of me says get out of rhode island... part of me says move in the area... and part of me says move to a nearby state. I'm really not making a decision until the winter... so I have been trying to put the thought out of my head for now. I'll figure it out.

I gotta get on my bike soon. I am thinking either tomorrow after I go vote, or on Thursday. I'm running out of shit to do in the house. There's only so much I can clean and rearrange. As it stands I've am gonna be donating some clothes in the next week or so... Stuff that doesn't fit or just doesn't suit me at the moment. Pair of shoes, couple of pairs of shirts... Some shirts... Nothing to write home about, but still a bag or so. It'd be something to do tomorrow after voting.

I gotta find my remote for my TV.... I don't know when I lost the fucker but its really starting to piss me off that I don't know where it is. It's gotta be in my room... I just don't know where. Truth is im probably just being lazy about looking.

10 days without a drink. see the common misconception is that I drink every day but I don't. I drink once / twice a month for a few days... But when I drink... I tend to drink really really hard. It sucks and im over it. With that said... I gotta find some god damn thing to do this weekend other than hang out at a bar. Maybe i'll grab someone and go hiking... I don't know where yet though... because i'm sick of going to the same 3 or 4 rhode island trails.

I've got a lot on my mind at the moment. Mostly work shit... Waiting is a bitch and a half... and i'm really not happy about the current situation. My moral is low from the last 6 or so months working there. It's not the work either... the work is fine.

Maybe i'll go see a movie this weekend.

Day 10 and I'm Miserable.

It's been ten days without Cigarettes or Alcohol and I got to admit that I'm pretty miserable. I had been smoking cigarettes for the better part of 15 years with the longest stretch without a cigarette was about 3 weeks when I was laid up in the hospital back in 2008. The thing I still can't get over is the smell. As a smoker, you kind of lose your sense of smell. And after being without cigarettes for a few days it starts to return. Things like the smell of fresh cut grass.... or the smell of a woman's shampoo... Things that I didn't even realize were a thing are starting to come into focus. Not saying i'm gonna go run around inside a Yankee Candle shop at the crack of dawn.... but its things like that that I've gone without noticing for so long. I'm also coming to realize just how bad I've smelt over the years. Being a pack a day smoker I didn't realize that all of my clothes, my car, my hands.... all smelt like bad decisions and wasted money. I've since done my laundry so the clothing doesn't smell to bad. a few more washes and the smell should be gone for good. The car is another story... that's probably gonna take months or longer... I should have the car professionally detailed, but I don't have the time right now to do that. Something I'll probably leave until the spring. I am curious to see how my budget looks three months from now. On a good month over the summer I was spending between $400 and $450 between cigarettes and patches so the cost savings should be shocking to say the least. Nothing like Rhode Island floating the state on the back of addiction. The only reason Alcohol is of any real importance in this post is I'm trying to find additional social outlets outside of "hitting the bar" where I can meet new people and socialize. So far.... other than small talk with random people at the stores I shop at... I've come up empty. I have however... been more inclined to exercise. I've gone for two bike rides since the start of September and I've been lifting weights 2-3 days in the ten days that are in the month.

Write more when I get closer to day 20.

Day 1... A change that should have happened long ago

I've had many day 1's since my first post. Sad to say it still is my lack of self control which holds me to making the same mistakes over and over. I have a patch on currently, but not after nearly finishing a pack of cigarettes this evening. I threw out my last cigarette and put the patch on in an act of desperation to not continue to the same mistakes.

My life style choices have differed dramatically over the past two years... From cutting down / quitting drinking to losing a ton of weight... In the last three months though i feel like i am falling back into the same self destructive habits which i had escaped for near 9 months. I am not saying that i am going to quit drinking and smoking forever.... what i am saying is that in the present moment i need to quit smoking and cut down on drinking dramatically before something bad happens.

My buddy Brian is a good guy.... He's a great guy... but at the same time i feel like i have taken advantage of his couch one to many times for comfort. I dont want to be the guy sleeping it off in the parking lot or down a side street. I dont want to be the guy sleeping it off on someones couch. I dont want to be the guy that has to spend 11 dollars a day due to lack of self control and will power. I dont want to be the guy that smells the worst. I dont want to be the guy that has trouble breathing.



I want to be the guy with self control.

Day 0 - Quitting

Today is August 28th, 2016.
Today is a good day!

The goal of this blog is to track by progress in getting healthy. My Family has a history of Cancer and Heart Disease and being 30 Years old i am trying to head of any major health issues that may pop up in the next 5-10 years as the family history tends to have Heart Disease become a problem for the men in my family during their mid-late 30's.

As of today.. I Smoke, I drink, I eat Fast Food and foods that are high in sodium and cholesterol. Over the last 8 years i have gained about 70 pounds. I directly attribute this to my life style choices and place the blame solely on myself. I wont blame companies for advertising... or companies for not disclosing nutritional facts because the truth is that it was my lack of self control and my lack of disciple that made me get fat.

If i want to improve though, i need to take full responsibility, i will need to hold myself accountable and not play the victim.

Today i take an active step towards improving my life. I set today as the quit date (last sunday in august) and i am going to take a stand against Smoking and Drinking. I will do this on a personal level. Everyone is entitled to make their own choices so i wont condone anyone that smokes or drinks, it just wont be a habit i will continue and when given the chance... i will help others quit as well. I have purchased Nicotine patches... and as soon as i get in the shower (after cleaning the yard) i will be putting on a patch and going about my day.


No better time like the present... So... let me hop into the shower... can call that chapter closed in my life.